If I Could Find the Words

I'm still reeling over Friday's tragedy... over all the new information I'm reading in the paper or hearing on the news.  

Over a 6-year-old boy who saved all of his friends and classmates after seeing their teacher killed, risking his own life by waiting behind for all of them to get out safely.

Over the young, first-grade teacher who hid all her students, and then lied to protect them - only to be killed herself.

Over the pictures of sobbing parents trying desperately to find their sons and daughters safe and alive.

Over a victim's father, holding back his tears in front of a crowd and taking the time to acknowledge the shooter's family - and the horror they must all be feeling over the tragedy, before telling his own story.

Over the children in Pakistan who lit candles for the children in Sandy Hook...the children they never knew, and never would have known if given the chance.

Over the school principal and guidance counselor, who threw themselves at a man with three guns to try to protect their students.
And over my classmates who still want to be teachers...who have had to acknowledge over the past few days that one day they may find themselves facing a man with a gun.  And who have all accepted that responsibility, to save children they've never met.

Over the news anchors and the people they interview...and the grief you can see on all of their faces.

And over our President...who openly cried in front of millions of Americans.  Crying because he, like so many of us, can't fathom what just happened.

I'm still reeling....still thinking...still processing.

I'm still crying, even as I write this.  

I don't know how to talk about what happened on Friday.

I don't know how to address it, or even how to think about it.  

I keep feeling like if I could understand, somehow...
Even as I know understanding wouldn't bring back those 20 young children or the teachers who died to protect them.
Even as I realize that I do understand...There was no motive, because so often in this world, there isn't.

I've been thinking since Friday about how best to write about this...because I felt that what I wrote at the time wasn't enough.

At work, as I stop to watch the news on the TV above the bar, as I read the words of people I know...and people I don't, or in the mornings when I read the paper filled with stories...I tried to think how I could bring the situation and the emotions to words on a computer screen.
How I could convey through words what I am feeling, so that you could feel it too.
But I know that you feel it anyway....we all do, even if I can't put it into words.

I still don't know how.  

I don't think I ever will.

If I could find the words though, I'd use them to do for Sandy Hook what I can't do with a hug because I'm too far away.

I'd put my tears into a story, or a card, or a speech.

I'd share my sorrow with all of America...with all of the world who are also crying with us.  

I'd find a way to say that we need to fix this...even if this can't be fixed.
Because once is too much...and more than that is beyond anything language can describe.  

Because as much as we disagree....we need to find a way not to.  A way to meet in the middle, somewhere that would prevent 27-year-old men and women from having to sacrifice their lives to save the children they've dedicated their lives to teaching.  

I wish I could find the words, because someone has to.

<3